Sunday, April 12, 2009
a sorry state of affairs
Don't ask me why, but when I leave miami I start to feel very strange, very strange indeed.I have tried try to figure out what it is that makes me feel this unsettled, but to no avail. Is it my on going feeling that I haven't quite achieved as much as I could have (maybe I should have worked 20 hours a day instead of 16) Is it that I don't quite know where my home is?
As you can see from above I have made yet another card with my name and phone numbers on it. As you can see from above, it looks like another creative funky little card, that people will just throw away, or keep, as is there want. I might sound a little strange at the moment (how could one tell?), because the truth is, in a few days before I catch a flight. I start to think this could be my last few days on earth. I know this all sounds very dramatic, but its true.I don't subscribe to the notion (as most people do) that when your time is up, its up.I try to put everything or most things in order, I pay all my bills, make sure my will is updated, make sure nothing is left exposed for the cold clawing hands that would come seeping into my life (or death) before my body gets a chance to cool.Putting things in order is easy, its just stuff. Putting feelings and very strong emotions in order is another situation when it comes to people.There are so many things I want to say but cant.There are so many things I should have done but didn't. I know I have hurt, when that was not the intention. I wish I could make everything wonderful (Im very bad at this) I have been down this narrow gravel road before with no success. So here I am, writing a kind of apology (again) Hoping that it will all be fine, fine is a thin word, I hope it will all resolve itself (it wont)
My cards are made, my apartment is a mess (unusual for me) and I will have to start thinking about packing (always so much stuff to carry).I will have to bring all my sad flowerless flowerpots inside and close my rusty shutters in preparation for the looming hurricane season, which is just around the corner. So much to do, so much to think about.
Dont ask me why but I get this very strange feeling when I leave Miami......Sorry